Thirty and Flirty and Thriving....Sort of.

As I sit here on the eve of my 30th birthday, all I can think is "good God, how the frick am I thirty already?" Like, seriously?  When did that happen?  It's funny because when I was younger....and all the way into my college years, I thought that thirty sounded so old, and to be quite honest, I do not feel all that different from when I turned twenty-two.  I mean, yeah, my knees creak a little more than they used to, and ok, so I can't stay up nearly as late as I used to, but physically, I don't feel all that much older.  So for me, birthdays past my 21st really have never been a huge deal because I've never felt that I was "growing up".  It's always just been another year to me, and maybe that's because when I was younger, you never really heard of people making a big deal about turning thirty.  With that said, I started to notice this trend as I've gotten older that started with people around my cousin's age (she's four years older than me), and especially my brother's age (he's two years older than me), that turning thirty has now become a big deal....you know "Dirty Thirty" wooooo!!!! (eye-roll).  I feel like it's used as an excuse to have one last collegiate hoorah before we are to be reasonable, responsible adults who have their shit together for the rest of their lives.   But in my short time on this earth, I've learned that is not how life works.  Life is not meant to live up to other people's expectations, but rather your own.  Life is meant to be lived to learn and make mistakes and to make the most of the time we have on this beautiful planet.  Yes, our parents raise us and teach us right from wrong, but it's up to us to hold ourselves accountable and figure out our own moral code and to really figure out our place in this crazy, beautiful world.  And this is a lesson that I have just started to learn, listen to, and figure out in my twenties.  

I've only just really started to figure out who I am within the last five years.  Like all adolescents, I spent so much of my childhood and high school years, even some of my college years, trying to fit in and please the people around me instead of doing what made me happy.  And I'll admit that often times I would blindly follow in an effort to just feel like I belonged in this world.  But as I've gotten older, I've come to the realization that I am not responsible for other people's happiness nor should I be living to fulfill their expectations.  It's been a really hard mental road for me these last ten years...so much more so because I'm not a very open person and I have a habit of always pretending that things are fine when they may not be.  But it is a trait that I have learned that needs to change, and one of many that I've been working to change in order to be the best version of myself.  Change is never easy...we're told it time and time again, and it has never really hit me until I started to make these life changes.  In an effort to live up to my best potential and to be the best version of myself I've had friendships and relationships end that have not been emotionally or mentally healthy for me....which I feel have unintentionally put strains on other friendships.  I've had friendships and relations end that I wish never had.  I've gained new friendships and have strengthened other friendships that were just budding, while others have become somewhat distant.  I've fallen apart from family that I always thought and felt I was closer to, and I've felt like a black sheep more times than I can count because I feel I don't fit into their expectations of where they think I should be in life.  I have family that I admire and respect more than ever before because of their support and their understanding.  I feel like I've learned what truly makes me happy and what I enjoy, regardless of how silly or old-fashioned it may be.  I've learned that while I'm introverted and like to be alone, a lot of the time I feel lonely with all my friends living out of town.  I've found that being physically strong, even though I used to be judged for it, has given me an emotional and personal strength that I never knew I had and has helped me to become the best version of myself.

My twenties have been such a huge period of personal, physical, emotional, and mental growth for me.  While I feel like no time has passed at all, as I sit here and reflect, I know that I've learned so much about myself and life in these short ten years.  Am I nervous about my thirties?  Of course I am.  But I'm also excited to see where this next decade takes me and what more I will learn about myself.  And as my dear friend Jessica and I discussed today, we've come to the realization that no one ever truly has their shit completely together, we just get better at faking it as we get older.  So while I know I will make mistakes and may never feel like I truly have it all together, I can without a doubt say that every experience to come will only continue to push me to be my best possible self.