Sweat. Tears. Or the Sea.

There's a quote that says "the cure for anything is saltwater: sweat, tears, or the sea."  My mind, body, and soul are simply too exhausted for the first one, and while my heart and soul belong to the sea, I live nowhere near it.  I suppose that means the cure for today will have to be tears.  Complete heart wrenching, body shaking sobs that make me unable to breathe.  And I can't give you a reason other than I feel like I'm unraveling.  Clearly it seems that this has become the place for me to put down everything that I keep bottled up until it boils over.  I just feel like I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.  I'm exhausted because I'm up at ungodly hours for my job and I'm to the point where I feel like I second guess every decision I make because I'm afraid I'm going to get in trouble or fired for something minute. I feel like a fucking failure because I'm 28 and still have no clue what I want to do with my life other than travel and be a mom.  I'm afraid that I'm never going to be a mom or get married.  And other times I feel relieved that I don't have kids because I don't know if I'd be ready for that.  I feel so isolated all the time because all of my friends live out of town.  I feel distanced from them emotionally because I decided to withdraw from a friendship that had the capabilities of constantly making me feel like I was only there for convenience.  Like what I thought, said, felt, or liked didn't matter....I felt like I didn't matter. And I feel like because I ended that friendship, they sometimes feel like they have to choose, and that is never what I want them to do. And it makes me miserable to think that.  I'm scared that I don't know what my life holds after my coaching career....that cheerleading, which has been a constant for half my life will no longer be a buffer or security blanket.  I'm tired of people asking me what I'm going to do with my life after that, because I don't even know what I'm doing with my life now.  I feel dejected most of the time because I feel like I can't catch a break in this job market.  I'm stressed over my financial situation and feel like I'm constantly working to only get my hours cut.  I'm pissed and disgusted with myself for gaining back almost half the weight I lost over the last year and a half because I constantly feel stressed and exhausted.  I miss the challenge and satisfaction that working out gave me and I'm so disappointed that I've lost that motivation.  But mostly I'm scared because I don't know what my future holds.  This is not where I pictured I would be at this point in my life.  I yearn for adventure and new opportunities but I always feel so scared to take that leap or think "I can't do that".  So yes, today, tears will have to be the cure for everything I've let build up.  And maybe a little faith that tomorrow is a new day.

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